Mystery can be fun. By mystery we don’t mean that which is difficult, perhaps very difficult, but in due time is explainable. Rather, we mean the deep, rich and beguiling unknown that is a backdrop for this life we all share.

Late December into early January is that time when we in the northern hemisphere celebrate the miraculous. The miracle takes a variety of forms. Some celebrate nature’s receding into the dark underground to slumber near the root of its own regeneration. Others sing about the birth of a redeemer, the ManGod whose arrival is a marvel that draws even kings to his cradle. Still others feel the need to reflect on the year past to cleanse themselves of wrongdoing and to make amends to those they’ve wronged.

When this time of year is taken seriously, the awesome mystery of life cannot be avoided.

There is yet another mystery that is very near. It awaits us in the presence of the one we love.

Imagine it, this other person, almost a entire universe in his or her own right, a soul radiance that continues to unfold before our very eyes. How more wonder filled can that be?

And the magic in the mystery, which reveals itself when we open to it, when we relax into it, is that suddenly all living things become a miracle, especially those with whom we are most intimate.

Give the gift of your full attention and allow yourself to be moved by the miracle of the one you love.

You’ll find that the lush mystery of simply being alive is poised, waiting to resound through you, through both of you, like a chorus of angels.
***
For nearly 21 years we’ve shared the secret of life-long romance. So be sure to get our special romance article at
http://www.judithandjim.com/rp

And check out our “Keeping Romance Alive” program at http://www.judithandjim.com/rp/main.html

Because no one receives preparation and training for the conflicts that are bound to surface in any long term relationship, we’re sharing this abridged excerpt from Chapter 9 of our first book The New Intimacy.

Alright, that said, here we go . . .

Fair fighting is lovework—a fierce expression of love for yourself and your partner. Given that, there are very specific commitments you and your partner can make, before and during a fight, that will assure that you are doing lovework instead of doing damage. Remember, every fight is like a flare, an S.O.S. drawing your attention to what needs healing.

1. Your purpose is to find a mutually respectful resolution

During a fight, frustrations are high. Voices are loud. Vision is clouded, even distorted. Both of you can feel unseen, unheard, and unappreciated. That’s the time to remember you do love each other, that the point of the conflict is to make sure neither of you sabotages your love by putting up with less than your love deserves. The purpose of a fight is to reconcile your differences and dissolve the distance between you.

2. Remember, you’re only human

You’re both feeling vulnerable. And, no matter how things appear, you both feel threatened, otherwise there would not be a fight. Since you both are feeling very fragile, it is essential that, even when your hot buttons are pushed, you can count on the fact that you both truly care for each other and that your connection is still there.

3. Sometimes a fight is necessary

Fair fighting is always about getting your grievances out in the open. It’s a way of saying, “I’m completely committed to our relationship and I won’t let this particular problem continue.” You’re fighting to stay fully alive, to continue to grow and develop with one another. When you both know this, you will know that a fair fight is a godsend — an alarm calling you to put out the fire.

4. Both of you are being powerful

In a fair fight, no one is victimized. Whether you’re yelling or silent, weeping or walking around the room, insistent or seeking—you are exerting a powerful effect on your partner. The fact that the fight continues is proof of your influence. Even though you may not feel like it, you are having an impact. You have to stay conscious of that.

5. Every fight is co-created

In a fair fight, you both have to take responsibility for your participation in what created the conflict and what you are doing to resolve it. Whether you raised the complaint, or you are feeling defensive, criticized, whatever, it takes both of you to make a fight. Even when you’re angry, threatened, shut down, you still make choices. You are always part of the process.

6. Don’t harbor discontent

Commit to speaking your desire and need, dissatisfaction and hurt, as soon as you possibly can. What you keep secret acts like rust and fungus, coat hangers and the stuff in your garage. It keeps growing in the dark. It extends its contagion into more and more areas of your relationship until there is no more room for love.

7. Stay on point

Hash out only one thing at a time. Nothing is more maddening, confusing and ultimately enraging than jumping from point to point, obscuring the problem, making it very difficult, if not impossible, to achieve any kind of resolution. Fighting is serious business. It strengthens and deepens your connection. Give it your best effort. It’s lovework.

8. Don’t drag up past complaints

Since we all have some trouble keeping the emotional slate clean, it’s very easy for the small stuff, and even the big stuff, that gets ignored to fester into buried land mines. And then, in the middle of a conflict, you feel desperate and all that old resentment comes flying out with something like, “Well, do you remember when you…?” Unless your spouse is strong enough to remind you that dragging up the past is out of line, suddenly the fight veers out of control and becomes lethal. After a few more do-you-remember-whens, neither of you even knows what you’re fighting about. Then you’re liable to throw anything into the mess.

9. Stay out of your individual history

As a basic rule of thumb, you can assume that anger has to do with what’s happening in current time. In contrast, rage is like old, dammed-up water. When it’s triggered by something, when your buttons are pushed, the dam bursts and rage rushes forth seeking revenge.

REMINDER: These are not principles that you drag out in the middle of a conflict. They are to be discussed and committed to beforehand.

NOTE: For more information about our 9-step conflict resolution process, which we call Conscious Creativity, get a copy of the book. Direct Link to Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/k9k7f

Love challenges us and can be quite funny about it. Because challenge isn’t what we’ve grown up to expect and when love circles into our defenses against being loved even more - well, look out!

Because fundamental to all life on the planet . . . is the fact that we’re all different from each other. And yet what do most people do when they
encounter those differences?

They either change themselves “to fit in” or they try to change the other person. Here’s why . . .

When you want to change somebody, the truth is you are scared — uder threat. You only want things to be the way you want them to be. You want control rather than connection.

This is not to say that if someone is bothering you you shouldn’t ask for change. Of course you need to speak up and insist on better treatment.
Of course.

But if you keep trying to change someone, you really only want to be in a relationship on your own terms rather than opening to a truly fabulous relationship . . . and that means being changed by the differences between you.

And when it’s only on your terms, then when it comes to your love relationship, what you really want is a fantasy love rather than the
real thing. Because real love takes two — and those two will inevitably be different.

Now we know it’s not all rosebuds and apple sauce when differences clash.

Yet, once the super clash calms down, if you’re open to learning from your differences, then when you know each other’s reasons for thinking or behaving in a certain way, you will either become newly respectful of
the other’s need to continue as they are, or you can begin to discuss changes . . . life enhancing changes . . . that you both can make
which would improve your situation.

Either way, the resolution, the increased connection and intimacy, can only come from an open heart that moves you forward rather than clinging to your old self-centered, frightened ways.

That’s a soul-filled grace only available when you greet the challenge of your differences as an invitation to grow and expand . . .

And then you step into your new, larger, more fabulous life!

______________________

For more support with this issue we recommend

“Letting Love Lead”

http://www.judithandjim.com/lettinglovelead

This wonderfully touching video clip was sent to us by our intern, Wendi.

We had to share it with you!

http://www.stservicemovie.com/

Recently Wendi, a valued member of our growing team, sent me (Judith) the link below.
 
My first impulse was to send it to Jim, because he just loves, loves, loves dogs!!!
 
And then I decided I’d wait and surprise him by posting it here on our Blog.
 
So Dear Jim, this is for you . . . and everyone who shares your deep love and respect for dogs.

http://doyourememberlove.com/musiconly.html
 
Because It’s All in the Connection,
Judith
 
PS Jim so loves dogs, he’s quite sure that if reincarnation is real he WAS a dog in many, many lifetimes!

Real love and real romance, the kind that lasts a lifetime, that’s what most people want.
 
So why does dating have a bad rap? And why do more than half of all marriages end up in divorce?
 
The answer’s pretty clear when you look at what most people settle for, or worse yet, put up with. 

But, the fact is, there’s a world of deep spiritual connection, great adventure, and rich unfolding romance . . . all available when you know what you’re looking for . . . and how to let love lead every day. Read the rest of this entry »

Happy Valentine’s Day! to you, whether
you’re in a romantic relationship or not.

Because, while this may be a day dedicated
to Cupid, candy, and Hallmark cards, it’s also
a time to remind ourselves that every kind of
relationship is special.

Why?

Because it’s only in our relationships . . . in our
connections to others . . . that we can challenge
ourselves to grow beyond our own natural and
necessary and innocent narcissism. Concern and
care for our own well-being must come first.

And then, when you make concern and care for
others a priority, the challenge is on to open
yourself to take in and respect the value of
others - no matter who they are or how different
from you they may be.

Judith remembers being on a psychological study
tour of the Soviet Union, as it was called then.
And the group was taken to an outdoor market in the
Muslim city of Samarkand in Central Asia, which
was founded in 700 BC (for you history buffs!).

As she got off the bus she noticed an elderly man
seated on the ground against a white stucco wall.
His dark face, heavily lined and discolored, supplied
the canvas for his front teeth . . . they were gold . . .
and glittering in the sunlight.

Her first response was to turn away, repelled by the
differences. But a voice inside said, “No, that is
also you. Look again.”

When she did, he was now beautiful. Nothing had
changed in his appearance. Only this time, Judith’s
perception included the awareness that she was not
separate from him - that they were connected. And
that through their differences they were each
expressing the One-ness that exists in all life
on this planet.

So, as you enjoy all the hearts and flowers, add a
deeper dimension to what it means to celebrate love
today. Notice how every person you see is expressing
their own special aspect of the One-ness we all
share.

And then we’d appreciate knowing your experiences.
So we ask that you please post a response below.

That way our new Free To Be Fabulous Blog will
include how you are fabulous in your own right . . .
right from the start!