Snce you probably received no formal training in how to date effectively or create a successful, long-lasting marriage, here are the five keys to creating a new intimacy, an emotional intimacy that takes you beyond sex-roles and techniques and tolerance, and moves you deep into the heart of a relationship that respects and values both of you.

1. Your partner is not you.
In every relationship there always are two distinctly different people. In the old intimacy, both people tried to get one another to match their fantasies. In the new intimacy, both people respect and work with the differences.

2. You and your partner co-create your relationship right from the beginning. You both are active participants. Neither one of you is powerless. In the old intimacy powerlessness was expressed through dominance or submission, leading to power struggles. In the new intimacy, both people know they have real impact and work
together to create necessary changes.

3. Curiosity about your partner is essential,
Curiosity is the sweetest aphrodisiac there is. We all want someone to recognize, understand and desire us for who we really are. In the old intimacy, relationships were largely shaped by acting out sex-role-performances. In the new intimacy, a sincere interest in the other person, how s/he is feeling, what s/he wants and needs, creates a deep, ongoing and fulfilling connection.

4. Conflict is unavoidable when two uniquely different people join there lives together. Fair fighting and creative conflict resolution honor your changing needs and keep the relationship healthy and growing. In the old intimacy, conflict is a dangerous win-lose situation. In the new intimacy, conflict is just a warning that something needs to change and a mutually beneficial resolution is the goal.

5. You must be able to receive the love that is given to you. Being loved is only meaningful when you can receive it. When you do, the love that comes to you will be sweet and warm and completely acceptable. In the old intimacy, people hid behind role playing, suffering chronic fear that “if you really got to know me” you’d — leave, laugh, reject me. In the new intimacy, both people know that love is expressed in many different ways and that learning to receive more and more love is a blessing to their growing intimacy.
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